Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s the foundation of being a healthy, functioning adult

By Jess Ward

Let’s get real for a minute: relationships are a wild, messy adventure. 

You play emotional ping pong with your partner – back and forth, hit after hit – and if you’re lucky, no one’s broken a paddle or lost a ball yet. But here’s the thing: the game stops when the movement does. No matter how much you love your partner or want to give them the world, you’ve got to keep things in balance. And balance starts with you. 

Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s the foundation of being a healthy, functioning adult.

Forget the Instagram version of self-care with its bubble baths, fancy candles, and face masks. That’s all very nice but taking great care of yourself goes much deeper. It’s about awareness and being tuned in to your own needs. 

• How well do you manage your state? 
• Do you recognize when you’re physically, mentally, or emotionally tapped out? 
• Do you take a break to recalibrate, or do you ignore it and push through until you crash?

For some people, ignoring their own needs is normal. They dive headfirst into rescuing their partner, always bailing them out or providing constant reassurance. We’ve all seen this in codependent relationships and it’s exhausting. 

On the flip side, the perpetual victim repeatedly seeks comfort and validation from their other half. It’s a toxic pattern that keeps the victim stuck in a disempowered state, unable to soothe themselves first. 

Masterful relationships, on the other hand, strike a balance built on mutual support, not constant sacrifice. And let me be blunt: it’s not your partner’s job to fix you. That’s dependency, not romance. Sure, they can love you and support you. But they’ve got their own stuff to deal with. 

You need to function as a semi-whole person to keep the relationship thriving, exciting, and worth working on. Frankly, anything less than that is a drain. 

No One Can Give You What You Don’t Give Yourself

Your partner didn’t fall in love with you because they wanted to be your emotional pack mule. They fell for you because you were interesting, capable, and independent. If you stop taking care of yourself, you’re no longer showing up as the best version of yourself. Both you and your partner deserve that version.

If you keep pushing your needs aside, those unmet needs will bubble up in unexpected ways – probably during a random, petty argument with your partner over something like dirty dishes. Trust me, the fight isn’t about the dishes. It’s about being stretched too thin and not taking the time to recharge. 

How we treat ourselves sets the standard for how others treat us. If you’re kind to yourself, forgiving your flaws and focusing on growth, you set a healthy norm. Your partner, often without realizing it, will adapt to that standard. But if you’re always running on empty, don’t be surprised when your relationship starts feeling the strain. It’s easy to point the finger at your partner, blaming them for not giving you enough, but ask yourself: Am I giving enough to myself?

It may seem like situations beyond our control dictate how we feel. But the final say always comes from within. As Holocaust survivor and psychologist Viktor Frankl once said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

Taking Care of the Relationship Through Personal Growth

Caring for each other isn’t only about recovering from life’s bumps but also moving beyond them. Personal development is a crucial part of self-care in a relationship. Continuously working on yourself – whether it’s improving communication, managing stress, or pursuing personal goals – keeps you fulfilled as an individual and helps you show up better for your partner. Growth prevents stagnation, ensuring that you’re not just maintaining, but rather evolving into a better version of yourself. This benefits both you and your relationship.

Humans get bored. We crave novelty. 

When both partners are committed to their own progress, they bring new energy and inspiration to the relationship. This fosters mutual respect and admiration and keeps the connection dynamic and fresh. By investing in personal development, you not only stay interested and engaged in your own life but also create a foundation for a stronger, more resilient partnership.

The Unspoken Agreement

Every relationship should come with an unspoken agreement: I’ll take care of me for you, if you take care of you for me. 

This isn’t a sneaky way to get out of showing up for your partner. It’s the opposite. By taking care of yourself first, you’re putting yourself in the best position to be a strong, supportive partner. And when both people in a relationship commit to their own wellness first and foremost, the partnership becomes stable and sustainable.

So, stop pretending you can give endlessly without taking time to prioritize yourself. 

You’ve got to get your mind, body, and spirit in check so you can show up fully – not just for your partner, but for yourself. When you’re working with a full pitcher, everybody wins. Then, and only then, you can come back to your relationship ready to pour. You’ll be amazed at how much stronger your connection will be when you’re both bringing your best selves to the table. 

Not to mention how much more capacity you’ll have to spoil each other.

This article originally appeared within the Winter 2025 issue. View the full issue here, or browse all back issues in the CRACKYL Library.