The old saying goes, “Talk is cheap.” But when it addresses concerns about mental illness, talk may be the most valuable commodity in the world.
And it doesn’t have to come from a professional therapist. Often a casual chat with a firehouse buddy can be just as life-changing.
Firefighters often ask me how to go about initiating a difficult conversation with another crew member. While “difficult” is a subjective umbrella term, I generally find firefighters have the most trouble with conversations relating to concerns about mental health, job insecurity, line-of-duty death or injury, personal issues occurring outside of the job and even suicide.
Initiating these conversations is sometimes so daunting that many firefighters end up avoiding them altogether. Unfortunately, burying our heads in the sand has a significant impact on our overall mental, physical and occupational health.
“I need to know how to fix the problem before I start the conversation.”
We’re all different, but it’s safe to say most firefighters are solution-based thinkers. They are problem solvers, fixers and life savers, even under some of the most stressful and dangerous conditions. While this is obviously an admirable personality trait and one that can prove very advantageous in life, it can also inadvertently be the roadblock that stops firefighters dead in their tracks when it’s time to initiate difficult conversations with crew members.
Take Bob, for example, who has noticed his friend John has been drinking more. It’s come to the point where Bob can actually smell whiskey on John’s breath when he shows up for his shift. Bob can see John is going down a self-destructive path but has no idea what solutions to offer him. He doesn’t know how to fix the problem, so he says nothing.
If you learn one thing from reading this, it’s you do not have to know how to fix the problem before starting the conversation.
“If I initiate this conversation, it’s going to push them over the edge and make them worse.”
I often hear firefighters express fear that initiating a difficult conversation will cause the person to spiral out of control. The fear is that simply acknowledging the 500-pound gorilla in the room will cause that gorilla to demolish the room itself. Research shows that directly communicating concerns related to someone’s symptoms or behavior will neither increase nor exacerbate them.
In most cases, not saying anything perpetuates the silent “everything is fine” culture, posing the greatest risk to firefighter health and safety.
“If I initiate this conversation, it’s going to plant an idea in their head that wasn’t there.”
I hear a lot of firefighters report a fear of planting a seed when they initiate a difficult conversation. “If I start talking about suicide with a crew member, will they then begin to think about killing themselves?” Again, research shows that not only does asking about these types of concerns not make them worse, it also does not cause them.
Now that some of the most common misconceptions related to difficult conversations in the fire service are on the table, let’s talk about how to successfully tackle the task.
Be Transparent
When initiating a difficult conversation, it’s imperative to be transparent about the topic at hand, rather than beating around the bush. If Bob is concerned John might be suicidal, for example, he could start the conversation with, “Hey, I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself lately and I’m really worried about you. Have you been having thoughts about killing yourself?” Beating around the bush, by contrast, might look like this: “John, you’ve seemed off lately. Are you, uh, thinking about, you know … doing something bad?”
Transparency is vital for a couple of reasons. First, it ensures the concern is clearly communicated and doesn’t leave room for misinterpretation. Second, it increases the chances the other person will be receptive to the conversation. Beating around the bush signals discomfort and embarrassment, suggesting the topic is taboo, making it less likely the person will be willing to talk openly and honestly.
Avoid Vague, Close-Ended Questions
If you’ve been going through a tough time, are you likely to be honest about what’s actually going on if the question you’re presented with is, “Hey, are you good?” Probably not. So-called open-ended questions — those that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no — are best. For example, “I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed like yourself lately. How have you been feeling?”
It’s also important to avoid a leading question that signals your own discomfort with the topic. In the above conversation, asking if the person is good is leading them to take the safe, but inaccurate, answer. “Yep, all good here.” Closed questions also make it difficult to follow up with what interviewing experts call probing questions. Those deeper, follow up questions based on the person’s initial response is how you really get to the heart of the matter being discussed.
Listen Actively
When he’s finished, an active listener can reply with something like, “I’m really sorry to hear that, man. That sounds really tough. I’m not really sure what to do next to get you feeling better, but I want to be by your side through this. You mean a lot to me.” The opposite of active listening would be immediately responding with “What? No way, man. That’s not true. They love you and they need you.”
Another good active listening technique is to repeat back, in your own words, what you heard. This allows for clarification if you didn’t fully understand or hear what was said, and opens the door for more probing questions. It may sound something like, “So, what you’re saying is that you’re feeling like your family would be happier with you out of the picture? Am I hearing that right?”
If You Can Relate, Say So
Although by no means a requirement, it can be helpful to say how you relate to the topic at hand. For example, if John has been drinking too much since his wife left him, Bob might start the conversation by saying, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself lately and have been drinking a lot more. When my divorce happened, I started to spiral out of control and drink too much, so I know what that felt like for me.” John might be more likely to open up, knowing that his friend has struggled with something similar.
Avoid Judgment
Creating an atmosphere of safety and non-judgment in a conversation requires both verbal andnon-verbal communication. Just as beating around the bush about a topic can relay the unspoken message of discomfort, or shame, our body language can do the same. When you’re having a hard conversation, be mindful of maintaining eye contact, limiting distractibility and avoiding personal quirks you might exhibit when you’re uncomfortable (such as fidgeting or squirming).
The non-verbal signals we send off are difficult to control. Our ability to read non-verbal cues are finely tuned and often happening without our awareness — it’s one of our survival instincts. So don’t try to fake it. Make sure your mind is fully in a place of authentically caring about the other person before initiating the difficult conversation.
Hard conversations will probably never become easy, so it’s fine if you never feel like a pro at handling them (none of us really do). But having a framework for how to approach and manage them is a step in the right direction. Being able to tackle tough situations from the perspective of being someone’s colleague and peer is vital to the health and well-being of those in the fire service.
