Mental Edge Mondays: The Hug Test

You can spend an entire shift moving from one call to the next, handling other people’s emergencies, anticipating what might go wrong, and making decisions that require you to be fully switched on. By the time you get home, you’ve left the station, taken off your gear, and technically ended your shift. But your nervous system may not have gotten the message.

Your spouse or partner comes over to welcome you home and wraps their arms around you. You give them a quick squeeze, maybe a kiss, and start moving toward the shower or refrigerator. Nothing unusual about that. You’ve probably done it hundreds of times without giving it much thought.

But what would happen if you stayed in that hug a little longer? Would you enjoy it? Would your muscles begin to relax? Or would you feel restless, uncomfortable, or strangely numb, waiting for the moment when you could pull away?

That’s the idea behind something I call the Hug Test. It’s a simple experiment that can help you notice whether your nervous system is still operating in work mode, even when you’re home with people you love. It also offers an opportunity to practice shifting into a calmer state.

When a Hug Doesn’t Feel Good

Firefighters develop a remarkable capacity to mobilize quickly. Your body learns to maintain a certain level of readiness, even when you’re not consciously thinking about it. That’s useful when you’re responding to an emergency, but it can become a problem when your nervous system gets so accustomed to high activation that it struggles to settle down afterward.

You can be sitting on your couch with your family and still have a body that’s braced for the next call. The tension in your shoulders, the tightness in your chest, or the constant feeling that you need to be doing something may have become so familiar that you barely notice it.

Then someone you love wraps their arms around you, and something interesting happens. Instead of relaxing, you feel an urge to move. A prolonged hug may feel strangely confining, almost as though you’re being trapped, even when the person holding you is someone you trust completely.

Or you may experience the opposite reaction. You feel almost nothing. You’re going through the motions of affection, but the experience doesn’t seem to register emotionally or physically.

Either reaction can be misunderstood. Your spouse might interpret a quick hug as rejection, or you might wonder why you don’t enjoy physical affection the way you used to. Sometimes relationship problems do influence how affection feels. But sometimes the issue has very little to do with the relationship.

Try the Hug Test

Here’s an experiment I’d like you to try over the next several days. Choose a few people you care about who are comfortable hugging you. Maybe it’s your spouse, your kids, or a close friend. Give them a longer hug than you normally would and pay attention to what happens inside your body.

If you have a spouse or partner, let them in on the experiment. Tell them you’d like to try making a longer hug part of your routine when you come home from shift. You don’t need a stopwatch or a prescribed number of seconds. Just slow down and stay long enough to notice how it feels.

Are your shoulders tight? Is your jaw clenched? Are you holding your breath? Can you feel the warmth and pressure of the other person’s body against yours, or does the experience seem strangely distant?

Notice whether your muscles begin to soften as the hug continues. Maybe you feel yourself settling down. Maybe your mind is already moving on to the next thing you need to do. Or perhaps you feel an almost immediate urge to escape, even though you genuinely want to be close to the person you’re holding.

Try this with different people and after different kinds of shifts. Does physical affection feel easier after a quiet day than after a particularly difficult one? Do you notice similar reactions regardless of who you’re hugging?

The Hug Test isn’t a diagnostic tool. Personal preferences, sensory sensitivities, past experiences, and relationship dynamics can all influence how physical contact feels. Some people simply don’t enjoy prolonged hugs.

But if you want to feel connected and consistently find yourself tense, numb, or eager to pull away, consider whether your nervous system may be having trouble shifting out of its usual state of readiness. You’re not measuring how much you love someone. You’re gathering information about how your body responds when you ask it to slow down.

Building More Elasticity

One of the capacities I want firefighters to develop is greater elasticity in their nervous systems. Elasticity is the ability to activate when circumstances demand it, then recover when that level of activation is no longer necessary. Your ability to mobilize quickly is an asset. The problem develops when your body starts treating that heightened state of readiness as its normal operating condition.

A long hug offers an opportunity to practice moving in the other direction. Welcome, comfortable physical contact can help some people settle, particularly in relationships that feel safe and supportive. The warmth, pressure, familiarity, and shared stillness may help your body shift toward a calmer state.

Don’t expect every hug to feel wonderful, especially at first. You might discover you need a few minutes to decompress before you’re ready for physical closeness, or that slowing your breathing makes the experience more comfortable. If a hug feels overwhelming, shorten it or choose another way to connect. The goal isn’t to force yourself to tolerate discomfort. It’s to develop greater awareness and flexibility.

Over time, you may begin noticing differences you previously overlooked. Perhaps you can relax into a hug after a quiet shift but remain wound tight after a difficult one. Those observations can help you recognize when your nervous system needs more attention, rather than assuming that walking through your front door automatically means you’ve left work behind.

A Different Way to Come Home

There’s another reason I like this experiment. Think about what it might mean to the person on the receiving end of your hugs.

Imagine being married to someone who comes home every day, gives you a quick, distracted embrace, and disappears into their evening routine. You may understand that they’re exhausted, but those brief moments of contact can gradually start to feel like something they’re checking off a list.

Now imagine that same person putting down their things and taking a little extra time to hold you. They’re not checking their phone or thinking about the next task. For a few moments, they’re simply present.

That small change may communicate something important to a spouse or partner who has grown accustomed to competing with the demands of the job. And it may help you experience home as a place where you can begin to let your guard down.

So here’s my challenge for this week. Try the Hug Test with a few people you love. If you have a spouse or partner, invite them to make a longer, more intentional hug part of your routine when you come home from shift.

Notice whether you can relax into the embrace, whether you feel much of anything, or whether some part of you is already looking for an exit.

And if you find yourself wanting to escape a hug from someone you love, consider that the person holding you may not be the problem.

Shauna ‘Doc’ Springer, PhD is a pioneering psychologist, award-winning Military Times podcast host, and one of the world’s leading experts on psychological trauma, moral injury, suicide prevention, close relationships and the unique needs of the military and first responder communities. Doc Springer provides highly specialized consultation and confidential advising to organizations and public safety agencies that support protectors and defenders through her company THIN LINE ADVISORY.