When was the last time you doubted yourself? How did you handle it? What did you do in that moment when you were caught between who you are and who you want to be?
Maybe you were training for a marathon, studying for a promotional exam, or just trying to finish a tough workout and suddenly, there it was: that moment of hesitation. Avoidance. The inner negotiation begins: do I really need to finish this, or can I just stop here? You start bartering with yourself about whether to keep going. I’ve been there, too. And when I hit that wall, here’s what I did: I employed a mindfulness technique I call P.A.C.E., which helped me break through in one of the hardest weeks of my life.
I was in a week-long silent meditation retreat – no distractions, no shortcuts, just hour after hour of silence and stillness. Each day followed the same schedule: training began before sunrise and included eight hours of meditation, broken up by three meals, two hours of free time, and afternoon tea. It couldn’t have been simpler – I would sit still and be silent for an entire week. And yet, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
The first two days were surprisingly manageable. But on Day 3, as I took my place on the meditation cushion – just as I had the two days before – I sensed something had shifted. Doubt crept in. I questioned my ability to make it through the session, let alone the rest of the retreat. I was using everything I had to anchor myself in the present moment, fending off the distracting voice in my head that was equally using everything it had to pull me away.
My mind was the battleground for an unstoppable force versus an immovable object – and it felt like hell. My thoughts bolted in every direction before fixating on my ability to perceive time – how long it had been, how long it would be, how many breaths I had taken, and how many were still to come.
When I remembered I had five more days of this, my mind started racing in looping thoughts of second-guessing myself and my abilities. Every possible self-doubting anxiety-driven thought flooded into my mind. My shoulders were raised, my back and core were aching, and my eyes were squinted shut so tightly that my lips and cheeks were clinched.
My mind fought against stillness the way a storm fights the shoreline – crashing, retreating, relentless. But the shore does not chase the waves. It lets them come, lets them go. This awareness is the essence of meditation. That was the moment I engaged. We are not the thinker of our thoughts, we are the observer of our thoughts, and because of that we can choose how to respond to situations and challenges.
Mindfulness isn’t about sitting still and breathing deeply. It’s about meeting each moment fully. Even the difficult ones. As first responders we know better than most – pressure, stress, and chaos are all part of the job. Mindfulness trains us to acknowledge, understand, and respond to our stress with intention.
Resistance Creates Tension
When we resist a thought, feeling, or situation by wanting or wishing it were different, we create tension in the mind. We feel that tension as the difference between how we want the situation to be and how it is.
On Day 3 of my retreat, my thoughts attempted to trick me into trading my current experience for a future outcome by thinking: if I can get through this today, then tomorrow won’t be as bad. You may know this as the “hard now, easy later” mindset. This mindset creates tension because it’s dependent on an outcome. The outcome being that at some unguaranteed, future point, the result of the present action will be easier as predicted, and as expected, than the current moment I’m in. In my case, tomorrow would be the same as today. It was designed to be that way. I would be sitting in meditation for about the same time, in the same place, in the same position. That mindset wasn’t going to help me. The approach of enduring a challenge to reap the reward of ease as some future outcome – I have no control over the future, I only have control over the now.
The Importance Of The Pause Button
Training our minds to pause for a moment of clarity helps us recognize when our minds are caught in thoughts of distraction or avoidance. Pausing trains our mind by allowing us to label our experiences without judgment. This creates space between our response and our reactions.
But it’s not enough to just pause; you also must acknowledge the discomfort by naming it: restlessness, frustration, distraction, etc.
P.A.C.E. is a mindfulness training that allows us to acknowledge our emotions instead of being consumed by them. We don’t have to change them; we must only see them clearly. Imagine you’re on a call, the adrenaline is surging. Your mind races, your body tenses. Noting, a mindfulness technique, allows you to mentally pause and note the thoughts and feelings in that moment: stress, urgency, priority. By naming the experience, you create distance. The stress doesn’t disappear, but it no longer controls you. Instead, you regain clarity and act with intention instead of impulse.
P.A.C.E. - A Framework For Engaging With The Moment
Once you recognize your state of mind, how do you respond? This is where P.A.C.E. comes in. For first responders, this framework is invaluable. The unpredictability of the job can trigger immediate emotional reactions: frustration, fear, or overwhelm. Instead of being consumed by those emotions, P.A.C.E. helps us step back, assess, and choose how to respond with clarity and control.
P - Pause
Stop. Disrupt the autopilot response. Create space.
A - Acknowledge
Identify what’s happening in your mind and body. Observe it without judgment or getting carried away by a storyline you’ve created in your mind.
C - Consider/Choose
Reflect on your options. What response aligns with your values? Choose how to engage.
E - Engage
Act with intention rather than react impulsively.
During the retreat, I was caught in self-doubting thoughts. My mind was rebelling and when I could no longer resist or avoid thoughts, I engaged by applying P.A.C.E.
P - I took a moment to stop all the chatter in my mind and create space between my thoughts and feelings.
A - I named my thoughts and feelings as self-doubt, anxiety and discomfort – it was real, but it wasn’t permanent.
C - I asked myself, “Can I get through this?” I answered yes. I asked myself, “How can I get through this?” I answered by doing exactly what I was doing: breathing and sitting until the training concluded.
E - I committed to the moment and completed the entire training despite my initial thought-impulse to react by jumping off my cushion with my hands in the air cursing myself as I walked out the door.
Apply Mindfulness To Daily Life
Mindfulness isn’t about escaping reality; it’s about engaging with it fully. When we’re on a call, resilience and presence aren’t just helpful, they’re essential. These mindfulness techniques aren’t abstract concepts; they are practical tools that can be used on a call or during stressful moments. P.A.C.E. gives us a framework for responding effectively. Together, they develop an approach to managing stress, uncertainty, and the challenges of life both on and off the job.
Suffering Is Not Inevitable
Mindfulness doesn’t make our lives easier. It prepares us to meet our lives as they are. It is also a reminder that struggles can be self-created in our own mind. I’ll say that again: it is a reminder that struggles can be self-created in our own mind.
As first responders, we can learn to navigate high-pressure situations without being consumed by them. Stress, urgency, and frustration are inevitable, but our suffering isn’t. By pausing for awareness and engaging with our experiences using P.A.C.E., we don’t gain control over the world – we gain control over our choice of how we meet the world. And in the moments that matter most, that control makes all the difference.
