We associate grief with finality, but it is, rather, the beginning of a journey toward acceptance and survival. We move forward carrying a magnitude of loss and learn to live with what we did not expect or plan for.
Grief is not black or white. It comes in many forms and complex shades that fall between the extremes.
Grieving looks different on all of us. The varying hues of grief depict a complex wardrobe of emotions, reactions, seasons of life, and even the facades we put on to cope. The lifeline of grief is not linear. Oftentimes, it is tangled and can reverse in trajectory, delaying healing.
Intuitively, we know this. It is part of our collective grief. We see the different ways victims grieve on calls. And we see the difference in our fellow firefighters. We even see it in our loved ones as life deals them devastating losses. Even though widespread and felt by our entire fire community, we often don’t fully recognize it in ourselves, or fully accept and name what we see.
Grief is like a shape-shifter, elusive in arrival, form, and color. It keeps score even when you think you are free from tallying your losses.
For example, a lieutenant (who is also a paramedic) and firefighter attend two pediatric arrests within a few weeks of each other. This results in anticipatory grief, where there was an inner knowing that one of the children might not survive. Both the lieutenant and firefighter are fathers, and in both cases, they leave the hospital feeling the emotional weight of the situation. Suffocated grief is a consequential outcome when there is no closure.
Relying on the perspective “It’s not my emergency, it’s your emergency” only works for some. A debriefing and follow-up texts from management offer much-needed processing and support. However, some might perceive the call through a more violent or frightening lens, making the grief more traumatic. This type of grief may impede daily functions.
Grief overload is real.
Multiple serious calls within a short time frame, distress from traumatic events, and disappointments with management can lead to a domino effect of cumulative grief.
Resilience is a trendy word these days, but difficult to achieve.
Mental well-being resources, communication styles, and approachability affect the impact of grief on firefighters. A stressful leadership style could have devastating effects on a firehouse. Secondary grief consists of losses that result from a primary loss, like poor administration.
A former human resources finance director from Chicago’s south suburbs reiterated the prevalence of grief evident in a firehouse. She endeavored to make herself available to her employees, allowing firefighters to come to her, even before their shift, for a cup of coffee and a chat in her office. She could tell when firefighters were struggling, spotting delayed grief when firefighters worked out in excess.
Coping with extra gym time only subdued grief symptoms.
Other behaviors, which might not be as visible at work, like gambling, drinking, or cheating, paint a picture of ambiguous grief: psychological absence with a physical presence (depression, addiction) or a physical absence with a psychological presence (missing person, divorce). This type of grief yields suffering for loved ones, too.
Firefighters’ distinguished character can make them prone to disenfranchised grief, a grief that feels invalidated or insignificant by culture or society, like when shame creeps in after the death of your pet.
While there is no shortcut, there is help and healing for the various shades of grief.
When leadership builds organizational resilience, such as bringing in mental health training programs for first responders, it helps firefighters recognize the signs of stress and find sources of support.
Seeking professional therapy with a trauma-informed counselor can help first responders process their emotions before experiencing sad life events.
Enhance work culture by:
• Implementing a peer support system
• Critical incident stress debriefings
• Mentorship programs, and leadership training along with development initiatives for senior staff
Engage in acts of kindness and foster gratitude by:
• Keeping a personal gratitude journal
• Serving the community, helping a neighbor, or volunteering for an organization
• Socializing with friends
• Listening to music
• Playing with animals or children
• Spending time in nature
• Exercising, meditating, or practicing yoga
• Engaging in relaxation or mindfulness activities such as adult coloring, painting, or writing
With self-care and daily stress management techniques, healing will come.
