There are plenty of things we’re just catching up on in the fire service. A growing trend that has me cheering is conferences that invite spouses. They have classes to take as a couple, or you’ll catch pictures of the wives dressed in gear, learning what it is their husbands go through on shift.
One thing we haven’t touched: what happens when the woman is the firefighter? Or, even less discussed, what happens when both of you are in the fire service?
First off, let me start with a disclaimer — I’ve been married twice. My first husband was on the job, and we held the same rank. Why am I telling you about a failed relationship? Because there’s one thing we absolutely nailed — our privacy. While we didn’t hide our lives, we also didn’t show up at work and talk about our partner.
We understood that showing up at the kitchen table and complaining about our spouse, as some people do, could harm people’s perception of the other person. Shifts change, and what if we were setting the other person up for failure one day when they switched assignments? We somehow managed to keep our marriage and divorce out of the fire department's hands.
What went wrong in that marriage?
A lack of education and reliance on misplaced tradition. Tradition had taught my then-husband that I would handle certain domestic matters.
As the person assigned to a busier house, I assumed he would pick up the slack after I had gotten my teeth kicked in by calls. In the end, the marriage failed not for any horrible reason, but because the burden of traditional duties wasn’t a problem we could solve.
I wasn’t exactly thrilled when a decade later I fell in love with a firefighter turned fire marshal. I have to say he handled picking up my slack without flinching. If I came into the house at 0700 looking too dazed, he shuffled me off to bed and somehow bribed the kids into silence so I could nap.
But… humans are human and problems will always exist.
We have similar mindsets and we like to talk about fire service problems. A lot. Too much. You know what that means? Between the two of us and our careers — there’s zero break from the topic of the fire service. I’m convinced the kids are going to become cops out of revenge for all the conversations they’ve had to endure.
To stack on to that problem, we both have careers that come with a lot of phone calls, emails, meetings, and putting out fires — only figuratively now and it’s way less fun. The underlying tension over whose emergency is more important can easily become a problem if grace and humility aren’t rapidly deployed. There’s been a moment or two where the “Chief vs Firefighter you wouldn’t understand” stare down has occurred.
Did I mention driving through anywhere we’ve ever been assigned can get real sad real quick? I don’t think anyone really notices how many memories flash through your mind when you drive through an old first due. Most of the time, if you’re alone, they’re just a flash in your mind, but when you’re driving with a partner, people often tell the story.
It’s a very different experience to tell a spouse who has done the job a story, because we don’t often relay those memories while standing in a place of safety. Emotions or details that you didn’t realize had been hiding can often show up to surprise you or your partner. Be prepared to learn more about your person than you had planned to discover during a trip to the grocery store if you live near where they used to work.
Being married to someone in the fire service while being in the fire service yourself is the ultimate calm circus. You both understand teamwork, nothing is ever an emergency, the inside jokes are endless, and you both can handle a certain level of pressure that most people can’t.
You also won’t ever get a break from talking about the fire service if you aren’t careful.
You’ll both be hoping the other will pick up slack when you’re exhausted and possibly resent them if they don’t. You’ll have to sacrifice a lot when it comes to scheduling anything that involves kids if you’re on different shifts. And sometimes there’s frustration when you both have important work to do and you both need the other person to play the supportive, helpful spouse role.
Internally, talk. I can’t stress this enough.
Lay out where the minefields are and pre-plan for them. Externally, protect your privacy. Nothing is weirder than someone from another department freaking out because you didn’t make a Father’s Day post. Don’t let too much of your personal world show up in firehouse conversations.
Find hobbies that have nothing to do with work.
You get to see a side of your partner that others don’t because they know you understand that world. You also risk losing out on other parts of them if you don’t have lives past the firehouse.
Having a partner who does the same job means they understand a lot, but they’re under stress and sleep deprived, just like you are. Have the conversations early and often to make sure your unique home life has a game plan that involves flexibility — no different than how you approach calls at work.
Oh, and take it from someone who has learned the hard way. Maybe leave the shift pranks at work.
