You can’t make this s*** up

You ever catch yourself doing the exact opposite of the thing you said you stood for?

Not in a big “I burned my life down” kind of way. More like a “Welp … this is awkward” kind of way.

So here’s mine:

I joined an advisory board a couple of weeks ago. The mission? Help reduce tobacco use in the fire service. You know – dig into the why behind the chew, the smokes, the rituals. Build a healthier future. Hero stuff.

Later that same day, I found myself in a cigar bar. Not by accident. Not dragged in. I picked out the damn cigar. Sat down with three firefighters I’d just met. And yeah, we smoked. Together. Surrounded by tables of other firefighters also lighting up like it was the national anthem.

Cue the irony.

Now, before you cancel me from the wellness movement, let me explain. This wasn’t a daily habit. I don’t keep cigars in my truck. This was culture. It was bonding. It was curiosity. It was me living the exact moment we’re trying to understand better.

That’s how I justified it, anyway.

But that’s the point of this whole thing. The most dangerous part of a bad decision isn’t the decision – it’s the justification.

And I’m realizing I do that a lot. We all do.

Not just with cigars. With everything.

Before we act, we all subconsciously ask: “Who do I know that would be OK with this?” And boom – we channel them.

  • Want to parent like a hardass? Pull up Dad.
  • Want to make a wild purchase? Mentally call that friend who buys boats on a whim.
  • Want to act disciplined? Suddenly your super-fit co-worker pops into your mind.
  • Want to blow it off? Cue that one cousin who always says, “Life’s short, man.”

I call it reference roulette. And I’m very good at it.

That night, I didn’t channel the health-conscious version of me. I channeled the brother who smokes. The mom who smoked. The co-workers I’ve smoked with before. The version of me that just wanted to connect, not correct.

And that version made it OK.

But here’s the upside:

I get it now – why this s*** is so hard to change. Not because of the nicotine. Because of the nuance. Because some behaviors aren’t about addiction, they’re about belonging.

So maybe, just maybe, that cigar made me a more useful part of this board. Not because I’m perfect. But because I’m in it. I get the culture checkbox. I’ve lived the tension. And I can talk about it without pretending I’m better than anyone.

So yeah. I lit up. And maybe I f***ed up.

Or maybe I just got a little closer to understanding why we do what we do.

And if nothing else … Now you’ve got a good story.

And I’ve got one more thing to reference next time I don’t light up.

Kory Pearn is a career firefighter and captain; and the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of CRACKYL Magazine.